ABUJA — Senate President Godswill Akpabio has praised President Bola Ahmed Tinubu for what he calls a “strategic economic victory,” following a new report revealing a sharp decline in the troublesome activities of poor Nigerians, popularly known as “wahala generators.”
“The fewer the naira in their pockets, the fewer the phone calls they make. Now they don’t even have strength to complain—God is good,” he smiled.
Speaking during a press briefing at the Presidential Villa, Akpabio declared, “Under Tinubu’s renewed hardship—sorry, renewed hope—agenda, we have successfully disarmed the poor by taking away their greatest weapon: purchasing power.”
According to Akpabio, the once notorious demographic known for overcrowding fuel queues, asking for transport fare, and calling radio shows to rant has been “tamed” by recent economic policies.
Poverty Now a Peacekeeping Tool
The Senate President further noted that the reduction in spending power has led to several “national benefits,” including:
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Drastic reduction in ‘pure water’ sachets littering the streets.
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Decreased foot traffic in malls where nobody was buying anything anyway.
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Fewer protests, because placard cardboard now costs ₦1,500.
“We’ve discovered something revolutionary: if you make everyone too broke to move, nobody moves!” he said, while adjusting his imported agbada made of silk and Swiss guilt.
Presidency Responds
The Special Adviser to the President on Blame Shifting and Semantics, Alhaji Leke Gaslighter, defended the remarks, stating, “This is not poverty. This is called economic stillness—a sacred period of fasting for the nation’s betterment.”
He added that poor Nigerians should be grateful for their current “opportunity to suffer with dignity,” noting that rice will be made available “soon,” though no date was provided.
